Balancing a career & raising a teenager; how Shaivya did it all

A Rewarding Journey of Growth and Bonding

When reflecting on her parenting journey and the rewards along the way, Shaivya shares:

“The biggest reward is just watching my daughter grow… because, touchwood, she’s quite a sorted child. She knows her priorities and has a strong sense of her own mind. Back when I was working in IT and climbing the career ladder, we had several financial obligations to fulfill. Initially, I managed by juggling work and home, with a maid taking care of her. As she grew older, I left her at daycare after school. Later, when I switched jobs, my parents stepped in to help for about two years.

However, there came a point where I felt stagnant in my career, and she was growing up—I didn’t want her to be a latchkey kid, coming home to an empty house. By then, our financial obligations were mostly taken care of, so I decided to quit my job. Interestingly, I quit right before COVID hit, so she was home, attending online classes. That phase further strengthened our bond. We’ve always been close since she’s an only child, but now, we’ve grown even tighter. She’s very open with us, sharing what’s going on in her life.

The greatest reward, however, has been seeing her grow into someone who understands her heart and mind so well. Her teachers give us wonderful feedback—she’s well-behaved, helpful, obedient, and respectful. And while she does well academically too—her board exams are actually going on right now—that’s not the only thing that matters to us. She’s a well-rounded, sorted kid.”

Navigating Challenges: From Career Stress to Teenage Resistance

When asked about the biggest challenges she encountered as a parent, Shiavya reflects:

The most difficult phase was when she was growing up, and I had a stressful job in Bangalore. The traffic and long commutes added to the stress, especially since her daycare closed by 6:00 PM, and I had to make it on time. But she never showed any frustration or anger when I was late. She always enjoyed her time at daycare, playing with the other kids.

Another challenge has been figuring out my role in her upbringing. Since she’s quite clear about her own thoughts and decisions, I sometimes tend to overstep by giving too much advice or trying to intervene. During those times, there’s often a lot of pushback from her, especially in her teenage years. Until she was around 13 or 14, she was very obedient and would listen patiently when we explained things logically. She never responded well to yelling, but during her teen years, there’s been more resistance and pushback, which has been quite challenging to navigate.

Lessons from Elders: The Art of Letting Go

Shaivya credits her in-laws and parents for instilling a valuable lesson — the art of letting go. 

“Both my parents and in-laws have always reassured me that she’s doing just fine and that I don’t need to worry. They’ve seen other children in the family—my cousins, my siblings’ kids, and even my sister-in-law’s children, who are quite strong-willed and stubborn. Compared to them, they’ve always told me that my daughter is very respectful and close to them. Their consistent advice has been to leave her alone and not interfere too much because she knows her own path.

However, they did express some concern during her phase of rebellion, especially in the past year when the stress was getting to her. Her teachers had been putting a lot of pressure on her, expecting her to be the school topper. She was the vice-captain of her school and had been a part of the student council for almost three years. But this year, she chose not to contest for the captaincy because she wanted to focus on her academics. Going from being in a leadership position to suddenly being out of the council weighed heavily on her mind.

Apart from this, the usual advice I get from them includes home remedies—how to make kada or treat loose motions with simple solutions. But the most significant advice has always been to trust her and give her space to figure things out on her own.”

Intentional Choices: Minimizing Device Usage and Encouraging Reading

When reflecting on how she consciously chose to change certain patterns,she shares: 

“We’ve always been very clear about minimizing device usage as much as possible and cultivating a reading habit instead. We strongly believe in practicing what we preach, so we’ve also consciously reduced our own screen time. We prefer reading the newspaper or engaging in other activities rather than spending too much time on devices or watching TV.

That said, avoiding devices entirely is challenging, especially since her school relies on WhatsApp groups to share notes and facilitate academic discussions. While we encourage her to limit unnecessary screen time, we understand that some of it is unavoidable.

We’ve also guided her to be mindful of the company she keeps. There’s a group of kids at her school who seem to be in a rush to grow up, and while we never dictate her friendships, we’ve advised her to stay true to herself and avoid being in environments where she doesn’t feel comfortable. Thankfully, she understands this well. She maintains friendly relations with everyone but chooses not to be part of any ‘popular’ cliques, which we completely support.”

Encouraging Individuality: Fostering Aptitude and Attitude

When asked about advice for encouraging individuality in children, Shaivya shares:

“I would say, being a teacher myself, I’ve always believed in allowing children to explore their own potential. In fact, I had designed a personality development course for children called Elevate. Although it didn’t take off after the first two batches—perhaps because I lacked the marketing skills or entrepreneurial spirit that the Brightlife team has—I always emphasized one thing to the children: today’s kids know their minds well. They are exposed to a lot of information, choices, and opportunities. It’s essential to encourage them to identify their aptitude because I firmly believe that aptitude and attitude are closely related.

When children are pushed into pursuing something they are not ready for, or don’t have a natural inclination toward, they tend to resist. This pushback can manifest in various ways—through behavioral changes, developing undesirable habits, or even mental health struggles. We often forget that not everyone is cut from the same cloth. Imagine if Sachin Tendulkar had been forced to become a singer or if Lata Mangeshkar was pushed to be a cricketer—we would have lost two great luminaries of India. Their parents recognized where their talents lay and allowed them to pursue their strengths.

As parents, we need to be aware of how the world is changing and the vast options available to children today. It’s crucial to understand our child’s unique potential. Some children may not excel academically but may be incredibly street-smart, have a flair for creativity, or possess great communication skills. Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences highlights how every child has a unique combination of strengths, and as parents, we need to respect that and nurture those capabilities.

Thankfully, there are plenty of tools available today, like MBTI, the Big Five Personality Analysis, and various psychometric and aptitude tests, which can help parents gain deeper insights into their child’s strengths. Leveraging these resources can guide us in supporting our children to thrive in their own unique ways.”

How Parenthood Redefined Goals and Perspective

When asked if becoming a parent changed how she viewed herself and her goals, Shaivya reflects:

“My entire worldview, priorities, and life shifted after my daughter came along. There were moments when I felt a twinge of envy seeing colleagues who didn’t have children advance faster in their careers. But over the past few years, I’ve realized that while career success is temporary, the happiness and fulfillment I’ve gained from my parenting journey are permanent. 

This journey has made me more empathetic, compassionate, patient, and adaptable. The personal growth and joy that come from parenting are truly irreplaceable. So, yes, it definitely changed how I view myself and my goals.”

The Ripple Effect: Learning New Skills and Rediscovering Passions

How parenting helped her Develop new skills, she shares:

“I actually started teaching because of my daughter. She once told me that I teach her so well, so why not teach other children too? That’s when I picked up some teaching skills and ventured into it. I was also a Carnatic singer, but over the years, I had drifted away from music. However, when my daughter expressed her interest in singing with me, it inspired me to return to music. Now, I’m encouraging her to keep music as a part of her life in some form, whether it's vocal or instrumental.

Additionally, I’ve learned to cook a variety of dishes because I realized that the typical South Indian style of cooking can get a little monotonous for her sometimes. So, I’ve picked up how to make dishes like pasta and aloo tikki chaat at home, ensuring that she gets to try different cuisines and doesn’t become a picky eater. Interestingly, even this parenting workshop caught my attention because of an Instagram notification, which I decided to explore for her benefit.”

Key Insights and Lasting Lessons

Reflecting on the impactful insights and tools gained from the program, Shaivya credits Brightlife for transforming her approach to parenting, Shaivya says:

“One of the most valuable insights I gained was understanding what works and what doesn’t when it comes to my interactions with my daughter. I also became more aware of the various pressures children face today, which gave me a deeper understanding of her challenges. Another powerful takeaway was about peer influence and how to ensure that children stay away from negative company. Although this isn’t a concern for me right now, what Dr. Kalra said really resonated with me. He pointed out that there’s no such thing as ‘bad company’—just like a rotten apple can spoil the bunch, a good apple can also influence others positively. Maybe my daughter could be that one good influence who helps change her group for the better.”

Shaivya also shares: “That perspective really struck a chord with me. After all, no friendship is entirely bad—you learn something from everyone who comes into your life. Fortunately, since she’s a girl and we haven’t given her a learner’s license yet, I haven’t had to deal with risky behavior like biking or other dangers. But if that situation ever arises, I feel better equipped with the tools to handle it. I think those three sessions left the biggest impact on me."

A Shift in Perspective: From Control to Compassion

On the lasting mindset shifts from Brightlife, Shaivya says:

"One major mindset shift I’ve had is allowing my daughter more autonomy over her time and study plans. I’ve learned not to interfere too much or invade her privacy, and more importantly, not to unintentionally signal a lack of trust by asking constant questions that she doesn’t appreciate.

Another significant shift has been in how I handle situations when she’s spending too much time on her device or watching too many YouTube shorts. Instead of yelling or reacting impulsively, I now choose to calmly talk to her and say something like, ‘You have an exam in two days—do you think this is the best use of your time? Just think about it and do what you feel is right.’ This approach gives her the space to reflect and make her own decisions.

The third and perhaps most impactful mindset shift is how I respond when she’s stressed and yells at me. I’ve learned not to react immediately but to let things go in the heat of the moment and address the issue later when she’s calmer. Since she’s in her board year with 10 papers to prepare for as part of the ICSE curriculum, I know she’s under a lot of pressure. I’ve realized that I need to be the one who adapts, especially because I’m also going through perimenopause and facing my own health challenges. When both of us are under stress, I have to be the more understanding and adaptable one.

I’ve also learned not to read too much into everything she says. Not everything means that she dislikes me or wants me to leave her alone. Sometimes, she’s simply venting emotions she can’t express to her friends, peers, or teachers, and I happen to be the safe space where she lets it out. While I don’t condone that behavior, I’ve learned not to react impulsively. Instead, I address it later by saying, ‘I didn’t appreciate some of the things you said—just be mindful because words leave a lasting impact.’ This mindset shift has been one of the most valuable lessons I’ve taken from the workshop."

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Brightlife: A Catalyst for Positive Change

Shaivya shared her experience with Brightlife:

“I was struggling a bit to connect with my daughter and was trying to identify the areas where I could improve as a parent. I couldn’t blame her because teenagers go through a lot of pressures, and I wanted to understand those pressures better. Thanks to program, I gained insight into many challenges that I wasn’t even fully aware of. For instance, the pressure from social media is immense these days because most of their peers are active on platforms like Instagram and YouTube. When a child chooses to stay off these platforms, they are often perceived as ‘bundus.’

Shaivya shares: “Apart from that, academic pressures were also weighing on her. She chose to pursue psychology instead of engineering or medicine, and for a child who has consistently been a top-five student, that choice attracted a lot of judgment. People kept questioning, “Why not engineering? Why not medicine?” This constant scrutiny added to her stress, making it difficult for her to maintain her confidence and composure. I wanted to understand these pressures more deeply, along with identifying her trigger points.

One of the most valuable insights I gained from the program was understanding the dos and don’ts when it comes to my behavior. I learned to identify what triggers her and recognize problem areas—what works and what doesn’t. For instance, one thing I realized doesn’t work is constantly asking her how much she has studied, how much is left, or whether she has made a study plan. She had already proven that she could manage all of that independently. So, during her board exams, I didn’t ask her any of these questions, not even once. I believe this approach made a significant difference, and that was one of the biggest benefits of joining the workshop when I did.”

Looking Ahead: Empowering More Parents

When asked what more she would like from Brightlife, Shaivya expressed interest:

"I would love to see more programs designed for adults, especially women, who are going through career transitions. It would also be great to have courses focused on helping children explore different career paths. An aptitude counseling session geared towards children, or even a combined workshop for parents and children, would be incredibly beneficial. This session could emphasize that ‘one size doesn’t fit all,’ helping parents tailor their approach to their child’s unique interests and introduce them to a variety of career options.

I’d also like to see a session specifically designed for parents of academically weaker children. These parents often struggle with the feedback they receive from teachers and society, despite knowing that their children are intelligent and capable. The challenge is that their child’s potential doesn’t always reflect in their test scores, which puts these parents under immense stress. A session that equips them with strategies to better navigate these situations would be invaluable. I think it would be wonderful if the Brightlife team could reach out to these parents and offer support in handling these challenges more effectively."